Decade Reflection

The end of the year is coming up and all I can think about is how I’m getting older and that time is moving quicker. As I reflect on my past ten years I think about the people who have come into my life and made an impact on me. I also look back on the difficult times that made me the person I am today.

Life hasn’t been easy, though, every struggle along the way has made me appreciate the things I’ve gotten. I never really announce the the world my accomplishments or show off. I guess I was never really proud of myself because I didn’t think it was enough. I always felt like I could do more and that somehow someway the world wouldn’t be impressed.

I talk about it many times in my past posts, I always cared what people said and if people spoke about me. I don’t know if that is some cultural thing because of the way I was raised. Like my mother saying “don’t behave that way because of such and such.” Maybe that was it, though, I cared too much. I was embarrassed of expressing myself and being out there because I didn’t want to tarnish some reputation my family had, if they had one.

I’ve always been reserved, quiet, and to myself. Not really putting myself out there. Keeping myself closed from things. I had this idea that if something was meant to come into your life it would come. Though, as I grew older I soon realized that if I am not open to anything, nothing in my life would happen. Life would simply be meaningless and boring.

Becoming Independent

Independent to me means: working, making big life decisions on your own, going places you never been.

Ever since I was younger I began helping my parents make difficult decisions, or simply make my own. When I was in my second year of college I found out I was pregnant and so I remember it being a difficult time for me. Quitting the university was never an option for me, I knew I was going to finish despite whatever people said about me.

I felt like I brought shame into my family because I would be a single mother. My parents had me on this pedestal and so they always made me feel like I always had to make right decisions. They still do. It sucks. But I figured it out on my own. They eventually came around and accepted me and my unborn child.

My pregnancy wasn’t easy, emotionally, it was difficult. And labor was brutal. I had an emergency C-Section because my daughter was wrapped around her umbilical cord and wasn’t able to breathe. I also was losing consciousness and don’t remember more about it. But, we both lived.

The most difficult time was after child labor when I went through postpartum depression. I didn’t want to acknowledge that something was wrong and I was so good at hiding my emotions. But, I was seriously miserable. I felt alone, and sometimes didn’t even want to hold my daughter. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or even knew how to love her. Then I began to hate myself.

After seeking help I started to progress to do better. I was able to learn on how to acknowledge my emotions and I did improve.

As I look back on my sad days, difficult days, happy days, and my entire decade I am proud of where I am today. Some days are difficult, but that’s life unfortunately. I just have to keep working harder on doing what I want.

A New Decade

As a new year approaches us, I look forward to see where I will be going. This time, I will not set up expectations and goals. Instead, I’ll take things day by day, learn to moderate things, and try to go places I never been. The upcoming years are full of exciting new opportunities to learn new things, make new memories, and just grow as a person.

If you’ve read up to here, I appreciate you and wish you a wonderful holiday season. May the new year be exciting and wonderful to you. I’ve been a bit busy with work, but I hope to catch you before the new year.

XOXO,
Zayra

Life is Bananas (aka life of z)

Hey friend,
About a few weeks ago I started a little experiment of my life in a week where I wanted to capture my daily life through a series of photos. Whether it was random things I saw or things that inspired me. And honestly, it didn’t work for me. I always forgot to take photos and I felt more inspired through my words rather than through an image. As we know, it’s quite difficult to capture stories through a lens. Or simply, I don’t have an eye for it.

However, I felt like I am more of a story teller through my writings. Ironically, I am awful at updating my blog with stories… Anyway, the point is that life is always changing and so are people.

When you try something out and it doesn’t work for you it’s okay to change your mind about it. Life isn’t perfect. Life is always unstable and unexpected. It will take you through places you don’t want to be. Bearable or unbearable, life will put you through the best and worst situations and it is up to us to make the best out of it.

i am a writer

I will never not love to write. I shall proclaim, I am a writer!

I write for myself and for those who stumble upon my work and can relate to my stories. My work isn’t professional, it’s personal as all things should be. Getting to know people and such… I enjoy a nice long chat with people, connecting and learning their stories. Seeing people for who they are and what they yearn for.

Life is bananas, I have so many interests and am always trying to take up new hobbies. But that’s life. If we didn’t do anything what is the point of it? There is so much to try and so much to learn. Why sit around doing nothing all day?

(okay, you can totally binge watch your favorite shows!)

Anyway, this blog. is a mess, an actual representation of my brain. One day I’m all about cooking, the next it’s about the beauty of painting, coloring, reading, knitting, etc… I will never not just write about one thing because there is SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT!

LIFE. IS. SHORT. LET’S. GO.

see you next time, thank you for reading. love you…

XOXO,
z

Life of Z: Week 3

Hey there!
As I write to reflect the past I realize how long and busy it was. I can’t remember the last time I sat to enjoy doing nothing. Working two jobs back to back is no joke. Seriously, I’m super tired.

However, through all the madness I managed to SURVIVE!
It wasn’t easy, and honestly all I wished was to do was sleep in.
My body has adjusted to naturally get up and go at the crack of dawn and I’m like whyyyyy??? Anyway, Halloween week is finally coming and the next month!!
Now, let me share some of my favorite snaps of this past week.

Life moves fast so lets capture as much as we can.

Lucky to catch the sunrise every morning
worked on a school project with my daughter!
Life is so calm at dawn
Sunday night chocolate chip pumpkin bread FTW

Afterthoughts!!!

As the new week approaches, I want to remind myself to be thankful for all the blessings and great opportunities life has for me. For a long time I spent my days wondering when life would bring new and great opportunities. I realized that it all works out after you work hard.

Work hard today and play harder tomorrow. LOL as cliche as that sounds it’s so true. Opportunity doesn’t just fall down on you, we must build the paths to get on the main road… whatever that means right?

This new week will be another busy one for me, however, I am ready! I have planned as much as I can and am anticipating it!

🦇 Happy Halloween and have a wonderful week! 🎃

XOXO,
Z

Life of Z: Week 2

Hello!
This week is extraordinary out of my comfort zone. I usually don’t tend to go out much because I get anxious or simply don’t want to go out. However, I started a new job and that pushed me to get out of my zone a bit. I am a bus commuter so it was interesting to take a couple buses just to get to work on time. Anyhow, this week(end) was very anticipated for daughter and myself. I hosted her first Halloween party.

Through all the running around from store to store; here are some photos I was able to capture…. haha oops.

Party Ready!
Setting up for the Party!
Sunday Breakfast at IHOP and we tried Morticia’s Haunted Hot Chocolate… Looks like spooky goop lol

Week 3 starts tomorrow…
Please let me know how your weeks are going~~~
Take care, XOXO
Z

Overcoming Fears

Hello!
I hope you’re doing well. I can’t believe that June is almost over, summer in SOCAL has been gloomy and honestly, nice. I guess I’m one of those people who thrives in cold weather or cool weather (INSERT SUNGLASSES EMOJI). Haha, just kidding, we are all cool.

So, anxiety has been manageable and luckily enough I really have been feeling great these days. I know I sound repetitive, but it’s a method I use to remind myself that all things in life are doable, manageable. About a year or two ago I remember being so stuck in this dark cloud and found no joy in anything. I was scared to even go out for a while and my anxiety would not let me live. This past month I gave myself doable intentions.

I kept reminding myself to LIVE and enjoy + embrace the things that came along. Sure, there are hundreds of reasons to panic, but I didn’t allow myself to fall victim to my own enemies. So here’s what I did.

I Learned to Swim

I’m one of those adult kids who never learned to swim. Scratch that, I’m one of those adult kids who is was afraid to swim in the water. Something so natural that should instantly kick into gear when you jump in a pool right? I can’t remember exactly when this fear began, but I was at least 13 years old and I really wanted to swim. I was just so afraid. I do remember that a lot of it had to do with my own insecurities and my anxiety telling me I couldn’t do it.

Here’s the thing though, it’s not true. If I truly believed in myself I knew I could over come this fear. And, I did.

As I visited my aunt who has a nice pool in her backyard this past weekend, I glanced over at her pool as I always did when I came to visit. It was as if the pool, the water called for me. Yet, every single time I found an excuse to not get in. Not this time. While part of me still said, “no you can’t swim.” The other half, logical, said, “get in, don’t think about it and just do it.”

I stepped in, feet first, “it’s so cold” I told myself. And then I went all in. I was still in the shallow part of the pool so I can stand up completely. I got used to the temperature and then I started thinking about all the videos and things I’ve read on how to swim. Head up, push myself off the ground, move my legs and arms. Before you know it, I was doing it. I was swimming. I was a little scared naturally, but I kept doing it until I was tired.

Honestly, I know I still need more practice, but I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Sure, it was just learning to swim, but there is such a larger and deeper meaning to all of this. I am at a place where I feel confident in myself. I know I can do things and I’m not afraid to do them. When I felt like I was sinking a little bit, I pushed myself up as I always do when something in life brings me down. This was simply a physical representation of how much of a better place I am at with myself.

I’m not afraid to be me, I’m not afraid of my insecurities. I am capable of anything, just as you and everyone else is. Life will always come with its overbearing, tiresome, and difficult times. Though we must all sought out the good in things. We must let ourselves live. And we may surprise ourselves with things we didn’t already know…..

XOXO,
Zayra

June 2019

HELLO JUNE!!!
How are you friends? Are you still there? It’s been a hot minute since I last wrote about something or have made something to share with the web. I’ve been a been under the weather. I was going through some crazy health issues and was really in a place that I hate to be in.

I relapsed. I let myself fall into that dark place. I let all the bad consume me whole. All of light turned grey and all of joy was lost. I started to feel the comfort behind it. I suddenly became a passenger to my anxiety, letting it take control of what I would do and how I would feel. Like an addict I didn’t feel life. I didn’t allow myself to live as I try to do.

But, I’m here, I’m back. I’m feeling better and I want to get to work on the things I love the most. I want to write. I want to inspire. And I want to cook all the food I can.

Hello Summer

I’m so glad that summer is arriving, while I don’t love the heat I do enjoy spending the day out, going on mini trips, having BBQ’s, and spend the time with my friends and family. While my budget is limited, I do want to have fun with my daughter. And most of all, I want to enjoy LIFE.

My June intentions are:

  • Exercise & EAT
  • Enjoy the outdoors [WALK, RUN, JUMP, BREATHE, GO TO THE BEACH]
  • Most of all LIVE, don’t allow anxiety to take over.
  • Take Lots of pictures!!!

And if you’ve read this far, you enjoy all of this too. I will write to you soon!!

XOXO
Zayra (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Stressed Out

Hello friend,

Happy May 1st!
I cannot believe that we already are in May. The days keep passing by so quickly.
I hope it’s going well.

I’m writing a short post today.

It definitely has been a hasty year thus far. I have to remind myself to take a deep breath more than usual these days. Never did I realize that life would be making me feel so stressed out. While in school I always figured that stuff would get better. Always looking at the bright side right? It’s good to be optimistic about life and how you’re going to be.

And it’s also okay to not be.

Stress has been consuming me. Sometimes I feel like I’m stressing myself out for not being where I want to be in life. Not achieving my goals and not being able to get the things I need. I’m feeling restrained from being successful and doing more.

Not only do I feel stressed, it’s also taking a toll on my health. I’m feeling more tired than usual, feeling anxious, and not being able to sleep most nights.

I’ll lay in bed dose off for a bit and immediately wake up. And just when I feel like I could get a good night rest I feel more exhausted.

Self Care:

  • When I’m feeling like I can’t breathe I try to remind myself to relax.
  • Ask myself if whatever it is worth making you feel sick.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Breathe.
  • Sit.
  • Do nothing. Whatever I can to make myself feel better.

Life has been a little chaotic and I’m trying to be more proactive to my writing. I’m just always making excuses to not continue my work.

I must I remind myself. Life is too short. Don’t stay mad at silly things. Focus on yourself.

Until then, take care.

-Z