Losing Touch with Myself

Hello,
I hope you’ve been doing well!
I guess you can say that I thoroughly enjoying spending my time being off the web. Ever since quitting some major social media platforms I have found some peace in my anxiety. While I do spend some time on Instagram, I like to go through my old picture albums in my phone and computer.

On my phone, my first photos are dated back to May 2012 with just one photo of myself standing by the coast posing. Then it skips to January 13, 2015, the day my daughter was born. As I browse through my photos I realized that I have thousands of photos of my daughter. I think to myself, “aw, what sweet memories.” However, I notice a change in photos where I am in.

In many photos of myself I tend to hide behind my daughter. I cover my face and body, or I simply take photos of only my face. It’s never a full shot of myself posing or anything. There are a few exceptions though, a few of my selfies include the typical duck lips pose or me simply smiling.

What I realized through these photos is that I lost touch of myself. I am afraid to take a picture, but mostly, I am afraid to look back at the image of myself. I don’t have the same confidence as I did a year ago. And I find it astonishing how anxiety and depression do take a toll on your physical appearance. As I write to you, I want you to know that these are the types of habits I am trying to overcome.

Expectations of Yourself vs. Reality

I remember when I was taking this I was feeling so good!!!

It’s hard to understand why when you have all these anxieties, you really are your own enemy. I remember feeling so great taking photos of myself to then look over them afterward and notice all my blemishes and instead of feeding myself positive things I spiraled into negativity. And it’s not only when you take photos of yourself, it’s everyday life.

When you walk past the mirror and notice all your imperfections. Talk yourself down, and feel miserable about the way you look. It sucks, in my eyes I feel like a monster looking back at my reflection. And in reality that monster is an insecure anxiety that tries to take over my life.

Going down this road has led me to not care about the way I look. Not because it don’t want too, but simply because in a way I gave up. I figured, I’m never going to look like a magazine cover girl so why try? Instead of trying to make myself feel better I let it dictate me. Living off sweats and a crazy bun. Calling my look the “mom look,” because I made excuses for myself that I was too busy to care for myself. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one will.

I lost touch with myself…

I don’t have answers to how I will fix this, but I will take my previous written advice to change this. Create healthy habits, & actually TRY to do something nice for myself.

Reminder for myself: It’s important to be kind to yourself, this includes the way you look at yourself. Don’t talk down to your body because it has gone through a lot. It has created life and it’s tired of you being so cruel to it. And as cliche , “Your body is a temple.”

Once we create a better relationship with our bodies, a lot can happen… I’ll keep you posted.
XOXO,
Zayra

Life After the University

Hello friends, 

Today’s post is much different from my others. It’s more of a rant than a story about growth and such forth. While I always try to remain positive in my life about things because I firmly believe that good things come when you work hard and try to be a good person. Call me naive if you’d like, but I really do believe it.

I have a strong work ethic and am always trying to learn as I go. I take every opportunity I get as a learning experience. Whether it is a rejection or opportunity I put myself out there to the universe. 

So in the past year I completed my education in Communications, I enjoyed it very much and I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to be an easy career choice. I learned from my professors and enjoyed every opportunity that the University had to offer. However, reality struck and everything sank in that I really didn’t have anywhere to go…

I would ask myself if I made the right decision? But, I loved my education and the focus of my study so much. I wanted to get out there and learn more! I knew I needed to stop doubting myself because only I can guide my life path right?? 

Or so I believe, well you know how in life sometimes hardships just kind of like to get in the way of things? Yep. That’s my life. 

Perhaps, I’m simply a terrible decision maker.

At 19 years old I found myself pregnant. I didn’t let that stigma define me. I continued with my education. I stayed up and studied hard. I cried a lot too. (Could of been the hormones LOL). 

Anyway, I did my education for myself and my daughter because I wanted to show her that no matter what life threw at you, you just catch it and go with it! Make the best damn life you could because we only get one!

Flash forward to today, I know that when you finish school you won’t get the job of your dreams immediately. Unless you’re in one of those RomCom movies where the girl who always had bad luck was suddenly struck with good luck…

Life doesn’t “always” work that way, sometimes it’ll be years before you find the perfect job or profession. But, that’s not the point of this story of mine.

This rant is about the high expectations and standards employers have. 

When doing hours of searching through different Job sites and even company websites I always find all these crazy requirements or MUST experience in order to be considered for the position. Such as: must have 3-4 years of experience in social media. And these are all for entry-level and even internship opportunities. 

I understand that companies don’t want to spend their time or money on people who don’t have experience, but like how is one supposed to get experience if employers don’t take a chance on them! It genuinely sucks.  

This is not a sob story though, I’m just writing to let the universe know that I will not stop trying. I will keep applying and they could reject me all they want! I will keep trying because I know that something good will come. 
Until then, I will keep writing. I will keep telling my stories. And I will still look at the good things I have in life. 

I’ll keep in touch!
XOXO
-Zayra

November Notes

Hello,

I hope your Thanksgiving was well spent with good company and good vibes. Mine was quiet and relaxing, I spent my morning with my daughter and her father. We went on a nice afternoon walk to the park and we played hide-and-seek and tag. While we spent the afternoon in the park, I took the time to appreciate life and my surroundings. The wind, ocean, trees, and human interaction was astounding.

The atmosphere during the holidays is special because you get to see all the people coming together and interacting. It was all perfect in its own way. Well, perfect for me…

Dinner was also quiet and delicious. I cooked a ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, cornbread stuffing, Mac and cheese. I couldn’t have asked for more of the day.

If you read my November Intentions post I gave myself a few tasks to complete for the month. 1. was to be more present while spending time with my family (no screen time). 2. Give me some time to be creative. 3. Express gratefulness towards something daily and try to create a habit of it.

As I am wrapping up the month I’d like to say that I pretty much did as I hoped. When I quit Facebook and other social media platforms I found myself not spending as much time on my phone. Sure, I’d go on to check my Instagram account, however, it wasn’t the first thing I woke up to do. I really emphasized to myself to wake up and set the tone of the day by doing something else. Since then, I have found myself to be more creative and picking up my old reading habits. I’ve been writing a lot of short stories or just anything in my journals and I end up feeling very well.

Another thing I was working on was practicing gratitude/thankfulness for something daily. To be honest, I tried to not be repetitive to myself, but man! I’m truly blessed with everything I have. I mean we all are. For the simple things to exist and all is simply a major thing to be grateful for.

Grateful for everything; feelings of joy and happiness.

November was truly good to me and I’m so happy to share these words with you. I can’t wait for what December has in store! We are going to end the last month of the year with a BANG!!!!!

Until then, I’m sending you much love!

-Zayra XOXO

October Intentions

Hello, my friends,

Happy October!!

I hope you’re doing well and enjoying the last bits of summer wherever you are. Here in California summer officially came to an end on September 22 and we welcomed Autumn. I was stoked to welcome the season for many different reasons. Of course, my number one reason is the chilly weather. Although we don’t often get rain in California I very much enjoy the gloomy cold misty days.

Anywho, I wanted to try something different this month and that is 3. Intentions for the month of October. These intentions could be a variety of things baking, cleaning, going someplace, etc… Then I’d like to revisit them at the end of the month and see if I completed them!

October Intentions:

  1. Bake pumpkin spice snickerdoodles
  2. Visit a Halloween Attraction
  3. Practice breaking a bad habit

Now I challenge you to write down at least one intention for the month of October and do it! I’d also like for you to reflect on it and ask yourself if you would have done it if you haven’t urged yourself to do it.

Have a happy day and I’ll keep you guys updated! 😊

-ZAYRA XOXO 🎃

August Rush

 

Hey guys,

It’s definitely been a while since I last wrote on my blog. What can I say, I’m an awful writer. haha… Anyway, a little update to my current life.

I have been taking some time to myself to really figure out what I want with my life. For a long time while I was in college my whole mindset was study, work, and get it done. Now that I am finished with school I wanted to hit the pause button. I asked myself what I wanted to do and what am I going to do. For the past 5 to 6 years I have been working nonstop with school and jobs. I just felt burnt out.

I’m sure a lot of people will say “oh you had it easy,” or stuff like “you’re too young to complain about being tired.” Honestly, my whole life has been in a rush. Always on the go, always trying to find solutions to problems at home or in life. Always this or that. I could tell you hundreds of stories about why I feel the way I feel. In all seriousness, I’ve just been too serious about everything. I have not given myself the chance to stop and enjoy. Sometimes I wonder if I even know what enjoyment even means.

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In other news: Michelle has started going to preschool!

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Let me tell you something. Mom’s you will cry when you drop off your child even if they do not cry. I remember dropping her off and staying with her for a while before it was time for me to let my little bird out of my nest for the day.

She was really excited and all I wanted to do was hold her so close to myself. I was holding back my tears as I was there with her. Then it was time. She went off to play with some kids and I walked back to my car. I sat there for about 20 minutes crying!!! I was wondering where my little baby has gone… She has grown up so fast and I could not believe she was already in school.

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Then

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NOW!

Time really does fly when you are having fun. I cherish every day I have with her even when she is fighting with me. My baby will always be my baby!

Cheesy. Anyway, that’s all I have to say for today. Take care. Talk soon.

XOXO

Zayra