Life of Z: Week 1

Hey there!
I hope you are doing well! You could call me the queen of procrastination because I never write, or put it aside… haha well. I just keep getting caught up in my life. My anxiety and always making excuses for myself. Like I just want to live and enjoy.

The other day I posted a photo of myself for World Mental Health Day, because I know there are a lot of people out there who suffer. Quietly, too. I am for sure one of those people. In this photo I captured myself feeling happy. And I try to look at it when I am feeling all anxious and unhappy.

So I wanted to try something new. I am the type of person to try many things in hopes of finding peace with my anxiety and hoping to find happiness along the way. I want to capture my everyday life with a photo. Whether it is of myself or something that makes me smile. I want to be more proactive for myself, to remind myself to be happy and enjoy life.

So here’s my first week, with just few photos.

Michelle being all cute at the pumpkin patch!
A photo of me taken by my daughter

I look forward to doing this!
Take care, XOXO

Friday the 13th

Hello friend,
I’m still here. I hope you are well.
It’s always busy for me, the days go by so fast even though the new weeks feel so far away.
I’m anxious though, usually when life goes by so fast I don’t get a chance to think about the things that go on around me. I usually take the day as it comes and always make the best out of it. I’m just sharing my feelings today, nothing exciting.

Lately, though, I have been feeling extremely anxious. Could it be that spooky unlucky Friday the 13th kind of ordeal? I’m superstitious, though, I think this one is on me.

I write because it calms me and I become inspired so I wanted to tackle that spooky feeling off of me. Anxiety is spooky and really unhelpful if it falls on this day. I guess I may be unlucky? haha.

In all seriousness, I am anxious and it has been building up lately in my life. I’m anxious because I feel like I am trapped in my current state of life. Even though I work hard to move up in life I see no change. They say work hard and success follows. Never give up on yourself. Try harder. Be persistent. Push. And that is what I always do.

Except today, anxiety got the better of me and I let it consume me whole. And it is hard when you are fighting it daily, but I let it take me to a place I hate to be. I become physically exhausted for no apparent reason except because I allow worry to be only on my mind.

What am I worried about?

I am worried about not being in the place I want to be. Not having a better job, more opportunity, and not having the ability to provide for my family. And I cannot control life. My path is going somewhere I just have to remind myself to be patient and believe in myself.

Worrying about what I cannot control is useless.

The reality is that anxiety sucks and when you get sucked into it, it’s hard to get out sometimes. I wish I had the answers for getting rid of anxiety, but sometimes its best to just get up and go for a walk.

Just know, if you read this far, you’re not alone. Just because you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere doesn’t mean you are the only one. There are so many people who feel like you do and it’s okay to be a little sad, just try to remind yourself to not let it get the best of you. Tomorrow will be a better day, but you have the power to make that happen.

Drowning in our sorrows sucks the beauty of life. It’s not easy, but please a reminder you are not alone.

-Z

Overcoming Fears

Hello!
I hope you’re doing well. I can’t believe that June is almost over, summer in SOCAL has been gloomy and honestly, nice. I guess I’m one of those people who thrives in cold weather or cool weather (INSERT SUNGLASSES EMOJI). Haha, just kidding, we are all cool.

So, anxiety has been manageable and luckily enough I really have been feeling great these days. I know I sound repetitive, but it’s a method I use to remind myself that all things in life are doable, manageable. About a year or two ago I remember being so stuck in this dark cloud and found no joy in anything. I was scared to even go out for a while and my anxiety would not let me live. This past month I gave myself doable intentions.

I kept reminding myself to LIVE and enjoy + embrace the things that came along. Sure, there are hundreds of reasons to panic, but I didn’t allow myself to fall victim to my own enemies. So here’s what I did.

I Learned to Swim

I’m one of those adult kids who never learned to swim. Scratch that, I’m one of those adult kids who is was afraid to swim in the water. Something so natural that should instantly kick into gear when you jump in a pool right? I can’t remember exactly when this fear began, but I was at least 13 years old and I really wanted to swim. I was just so afraid. I do remember that a lot of it had to do with my own insecurities and my anxiety telling me I couldn’t do it.

Here’s the thing though, it’s not true. If I truly believed in myself I knew I could over come this fear. And, I did.

As I visited my aunt who has a nice pool in her backyard this past weekend, I glanced over at her pool as I always did when I came to visit. It was as if the pool, the water called for me. Yet, every single time I found an excuse to not get in. Not this time. While part of me still said, “no you can’t swim.” The other half, logical, said, “get in, don’t think about it and just do it.”

I stepped in, feet first, “it’s so cold” I told myself. And then I went all in. I was still in the shallow part of the pool so I can stand up completely. I got used to the temperature and then I started thinking about all the videos and things I’ve read on how to swim. Head up, push myself off the ground, move my legs and arms. Before you know it, I was doing it. I was swimming. I was a little scared naturally, but I kept doing it until I was tired.

Honestly, I know I still need more practice, but I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Sure, it was just learning to swim, but there is such a larger and deeper meaning to all of this. I am at a place where I feel confident in myself. I know I can do things and I’m not afraid to do them. When I felt like I was sinking a little bit, I pushed myself up as I always do when something in life brings me down. This was simply a physical representation of how much of a better place I am at with myself.

I’m not afraid to be me, I’m not afraid of my insecurities. I am capable of anything, just as you and everyone else is. Life will always come with its overbearing, tiresome, and difficult times. Though we must all sought out the good in things. We must let ourselves live. And we may surprise ourselves with things we didn’t already know…..

XOXO,
Zayra

When Anxiety Takes Over Your Life

Hello,
I hope you have been well.
March has finally arrived and Spring is right around the corner. So far, this year has been moving by so quickly. Even if I don’t realize it the last month came to an end very quickly.

I am very much looking forward to Spring and sunny days, and while I have been enjoying this lovely California rain I think it’s time for some light.

If you’ve been following me along for a while now you’ll know that I have terrible anxiety and have been able to manage it at most times. However, lately, these past few weeks I found myself anxious about everything. Anxious to the point of not being able to sleep for days.

There is really no explanation or reason for me to feel this way. Life has been good, yet, I can’t seem to find the joy in it. It’s really overwhelming, especially, when it puts your life on a pause.

Even though the days go by so quickly, the hours feel so long for me. I’ll try to find things to do that could make me feel better (i.e.: exercise, taking a bath/shower, watching funny shows.) And while those are only temporary mood boosters I keep finding myself constantly out of it. Worrying about nothing all the time. I’ll get lost in my own mind going through a spiral of thoughts that are never-ending and truly exhausting.

What’s wrong with me?

That’s the first thing that comes to me when I do this and allow for anxiety to make me feel so miserable and lost. It’s not that I am unhappy, but I am also not happy. If that makes any sense.

Anxiety just takes over my life as if it’s the boss of me. Demanding me to get upset at everything. Taking my creativity, getting rid of my passions, sucking the joy out of life. Anxiety is a monster who is prying on me. Waiting for me to have a weak moment so it can conquer my body.

Nothing is wrong with you!

Photo by Josephine Amalie Paysen on Unsplash

Just like this photo. Anxiety to me is like a storm that passes by. I know that once it has gone the sun will come out and will shed light on all beautiful things.

And so, I take my resolutions and goals I gave myself and do all the things that will help me be the best me.