Losing Touch with Myself

Hello,
I hope you’ve been doing well!
I guess you can say that I thoroughly enjoying spending my time being off the web. Ever since quitting some major social media platforms I have found some peace in my anxiety. While I do spend some time on Instagram, I like to go through my old picture albums in my phone and computer.

On my phone, my first photos are dated back to May 2012 with just one photo of myself standing by the coast posing. Then it skips to January 13, 2015, the day my daughter was born. As I browse through my photos I realized that I have thousands of photos of my daughter. I think to myself, “aw, what sweet memories.” However, I notice a change in photos where I am in.

In many photos of myself I tend to hide behind my daughter. I cover my face and body, or I simply take photos of only my face. It’s never a full shot of myself posing or anything. There are a few exceptions though, a few of my selfies include the typical duck lips pose or me simply smiling.

What I realized through these photos is that I lost touch of myself. I am afraid to take a picture, but mostly, I am afraid to look back at the image of myself. I don’t have the same confidence as I did a year ago. And I find it astonishing how anxiety and depression do take a toll on your physical appearance. As I write to you, I want you to know that these are the types of habits I am trying to overcome.

Expectations of Yourself vs. Reality

I remember when I was taking this I was feeling so good!!!

It’s hard to understand why when you have all these anxieties, you really are your own enemy. I remember feeling so great taking photos of myself to then look over them afterward and notice all my blemishes and instead of feeding myself positive things I spiraled into negativity. And it’s not only when you take photos of yourself, it’s everyday life.

When you walk past the mirror and notice all your imperfections. Talk yourself down, and feel miserable about the way you look. It sucks, in my eyes I feel like a monster looking back at my reflection. And in reality that monster is an insecure anxiety that tries to take over my life.

Going down this road has led me to not care about the way I look. Not because it don’t want too, but simply because in a way I gave up. I figured, I’m never going to look like a magazine cover girl so why try? Instead of trying to make myself feel better I let it dictate me. Living off sweats and a crazy bun. Calling my look the “mom look,” because I made excuses for myself that I was too busy to care for myself. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one will.

I lost touch with myself…

I don’t have answers to how I will fix this, but I will take my previous written advice to change this. Create healthy habits, & actually TRY to do something nice for myself.

Reminder for myself: It’s important to be kind to yourself, this includes the way you look at yourself. Don’t talk down to your body because it has gone through a lot. It has created life and it’s tired of you being so cruel to it. And as cliche , “Your body is a temple.”

Once we create a better relationship with our bodies, a lot can happen… I’ll keep you posted.
XOXO,
Zayra

Love and Health

Hello!
I hope it’s been good for you. January was neverending and much busier than the holidays! I didn’t know that was possible.

Welcome to February where the flowers beging to bloom, the air and seasons are Changing rapidly and there’s love in the air!

Last year I wrote a post about how love should be celebrated everyday and not specifically for one day! I still believe that we should love one another and spread the love every day we live.

Spread love for someone special, a loved one, but mostly love for yourself. As 2018 was quickly ending I made it a goal for myself to love myself, learn healthier habits, and simply grow as a person. I’m not going to lie, it’s been difficult. Its not a mathematical problem where you spend some time and figure it out but it’s more than just numbers. It take days, weeks, and even months to get to a place where you want to be. However, it takes sacrifice and hard work to achieve success or even a personal goal.

My ultimate goal for the new year is to lose weight and be a healthier version of myself physically and mentally. So I have been trying a different approach to it and not looking at it as if there’s an end game or goal weight. I believe that diets are so absurd and sometimes very unhealthy. And with my experience in the past I found that they’re mostly temporary. Instead, my goal is to look at this goal in another way and just work on the foundation to being healthy.

Since the new year began I have been keeping track of my steps on a fitness watch. Walking around everywhere and finding a reason to be on my feet other than when I’m at work! I stated that having a dog is really awesome because you can just take them for a walk, but really you’re walking yourself haha..

My biggest struggle is food.

I love to eat. I live for it. I love cooking and baking and man I have a huge sweet tooth. Truly the biggest thing in the way of being healthy is the way I handle food and my relationship with it.
Either I overeat in one sitting or eat so little that I’ll eat badly later on in the day. It’s often hard to find an in between and balance. I have found that planning ahead is a huge deal.

Though, sometimes, you just need to be strict on yourself. I need to take care of my self and care about what I use to fuel my body. It’s hard, but I will work on being better at it. Strict doesn’t necessarily mean to be hard on yourself. Since February is the month of love you need to appreciate yourself and mainly take care of yourself. Build a loving relationship with the person you are and the person you want to be. Build a relationship that is loving in the end with the way you see food.

Until then,
Much love.
-zayra

Strength & Growth

Hello,

It’s been a while since I last posted and I shared a little update on my Instagram page. If you’ve been following me now for a while and read my posts you know that I’ve been trying to find the balance and ways to work on myself to be better. By “better,” I mean for myself and my daughter. And by that, I mean, breaking bad habits, finding anxiety relief, and just trying to find myself.

It’s been a daunting process and really it hasn’t been easy. It’s been a difficult road to self-discovery, self-love, and self-care. Finding myself true to my roots, without lying to myself about things. It really is something that is both exciting and frightening.

I’ve been becoming vocal about my needs for myself, and vocal about anything.

In the road to discovery, I have come across many difficult situations and decisions about where my life is and where my life is headed. It’s very easy to imagine yourself where you want to be at any given time of life. And if you’re like myself and don’t know this I am very much a planner for my life. (Side note: I’m a planner, but a very disorganized one). By all means, I play to the terms of life because I cannot control where my life is headed, but I like to think that my life is headed in a particular direction.

I like to always have a backup plan to literally anything that could go wrong and will go wrong. However, behind that mentality there I found one of my biggest anxiety triggers. Control. Not being to dictate where and what to do and when things went unplanned I found myself very anxious and frustrated by things not going as planned. Honestly, that there alone is my biggest most overwhelming bad habit. So, what should one do to get over that you ask? I don’t have the biggest reveal or shocking discovery in terms of discovering on how to break that habit other than… You guessed it! Changing your mentality on things like that. I was so busy at the moment when things didn’t go as planned that I didn’t know how to be literally there. I wasn’t enjoying the time I was living and just frustrated at things that are seemingly pointless.

Why focus on things that don’t matter and waste your time?

Okay, now let me share another thing I’ve been working on. If you’re friends with me on social media you’ll notice that I no longer am on Facebook!

Yes!!

Victory, here’s why…

I found myself every single day spending a lot of my time on Facebook, sometimes there wasn’t anything new so I would just keep refreshing my timeline looking for something new to pop-up. I would find every excuse to not delete it or deactivate it such as all my friends are on there, the only way I keep in touch with my family, sharing my photos, my old post memories, etc…

Can you believe it? I was holding onto memories from my virtual past. Things that I couldn’t physically touch, feel, hear, or smell. I didn’t think twice about it. At first, I was going to just deactivate it for a few weeks and I realized. Well, I don’t really need to because when I go back I’ll just fall into the bad habit of spending all my time on there for no reason.

                                Finally!

I’m here now. Writing. And guess what!? I have the most creative stories to tell. My mind feels less burdened with the need to be spending so much time on social media as I used too. And while it may seem very contradictive that I’m writing to you on the internet I want to say that. No, the internet is not a bad thing. For it has brought a lot of knowledge to many of us. Showed us many new things, and keeps us all connected through the words and stories we share.

However, the darker side to it is that if you’re like me. You just spend too much time not doing anything productive some days and I just wanted to get out of that bad habit. To actually do something productive and be able to share the things I do love with others. I hope you find my words both encouraging and entertaining because writing is what I love to do best and it has taken me so long to finally feel like I can write to share a story rather than to write and bullshit you about things I don’t really care about other than for the minute. So please! If you haven’t already! Follow me for more exciting stories or words from myself. I want to share so much more!

 

Now! Tell me what habits are you trying to break?

 

Much love.

Zayra 😊